ODDS AND ENDS

 

 

I Feel ornery tonight. Ornery most of this week. Ornery to the core.

Its June. We approach the Winter Solstice – the day on which iz died and I descend into the dark passages that lead to that moment.  I sleep. I mourn. I do not wish to face the world outside. I wander alone and haunted,  Enraged at times and bored by the trivial people.

Bored by the mistakes I have made and the arse crawling I have done. BLEAK. The Persephone mode. Sometimes I simply no longer care. Not in a ready to die way. IN an I DON’T CARE way.

The last few years have been simply too hard and I do not need nudging along or active achievement. I am in the bowels of the earth and I am alone. I have further to come before I emerge.

Only now and then when the children laugh.

Only now and then when the children call me Nana.

Only now and then when we spin on the office chair.

For the rest – without apology – I descend once more into the Place where I am wandering. I am a woman with faith. I am a woman who likes life. But I am also a woman who knows the need to descend. I am not an ” awesome” woman nor an eternal smiler. I have dark passages to pass through – and so I do. So I do.

I shall immerse myself in Crapsley for the evening and then to bed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s