I Feel ornery tonight. Ornery most of this week. Ornery to the core.
Its June. We approach the Winter Solstice – the day on which iz died and I descend into the dark passages that lead to that moment. I sleep. I mourn. I do not wish to face the world outside. I wander alone and haunted, Enraged at times and bored by the trivial people.
Bored by the mistakes I have made and the arse crawling I have done. BLEAK. The Persephone mode. Sometimes I simply no longer care. Not in a ready to die way. IN an I DON’T CARE way.
The last few years have been simply too hard and I do not need nudging along or active achievement. I am in the bowels of the earth and I am alone. I have further to come before I emerge.
Only now and then when the children laugh.
Only now and then when the children call me Nana.
Only now and then when we spin on the office chair.
For the rest – without apology – I descend once more into the Place where I am wandering. I am a woman with faith. I am a woman who likes life. But I am also a woman who knows the need to descend. I am not an ” awesome” woman nor an eternal smiler. I have dark passages to pass through – and so I do. So I do.
I shall immerse myself in Crapsley for the evening and then to bed.